i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
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