can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
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