My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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