Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
That's how pantless uber rides happen
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
