apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Randomize
