it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
