im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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