Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Someone came in the potted fern
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Randomize
