I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Randomize
