i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
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