The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
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