Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
