Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
