My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I have already put on my inside pants.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
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