So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
