I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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