Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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