I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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