Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Pooping to opera.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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