I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Randomize
