HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
