You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
