So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
