i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
His nipple licking is glorious
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