I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Randomize
