We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
