i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
