so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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