rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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