New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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