I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
