Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
