Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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