i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
How'd it feel making her break her religion?
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I checked into jail on foursquare
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
