Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
