This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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