If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
