i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
