I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
