i permit you to call me
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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