I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
