And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
