shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I intend to get homeless drunk
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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