Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
