You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
