She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Does it still count as a threesome if one girl left halfway through cause we were having too much sex?
Fuck you for even being able to ask that question
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