the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
