you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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