if only i could text you this smell
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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