I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
