I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
