I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
