ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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