you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
mondays should just be called national damage control day
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
