literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
