I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
