hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
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